I really, really want to be good, normal, likable.
At the same time, I’m way past the point of being willing to begrudge people their happiness.
Like when a friend, someone I admire, sneaks off for a quick make-out session with someone I’ve had an unresolved crush on for a couple of years. Afterward, he was nice enough to keep me from burning myself over it. Still. I don’t know how many self-help mantras I can keep chanting without losing it completely. And they’re really losing power, some of ’em. “It’s not their fault” still works pretty well, but “Things are going to get better” usually drives me to convulsions and tears when I try it now.
I know, I know — “shut your cry hole, emo boy”.
Credit to Neil for not putting up with my shit, and reminding me how fuckin’ unhealthy and pointless it is. If he can quit smoking, I must be able to wean myself off the flagellation.
Fuck it. Waah.